xiaoxin's picture

Whoops I almost typed underwear instead of Underworld-- again! I hate when that happens. So why is it that whenever I think about this movie my thoughts immediately turns to underwear? Is it because I have not changed mine in a couple of days? Umm (checking). No, I think maybe it’s because this movie just stinks, like soiled underwear!

Those with busy lives will appreciate this one sentence review:

You can only truly appreciate this movie if you're pissed drunk.

Maybe having your beer goggles on will help you to appreciate the good parts of this movie and disregard the horrible parts in particular the plot. Or what I would call-- UnderPlot. It means the lack of plot, devoid of plot, plotlessnesses. Some of you may say it can’t be all that bad! Why that hot babe Kate Beckinsale is in this flick! True enough she does strut her cute tushy on the screen in a temping (Trinity ripoff) catsuit. But her character Saline is oh so damn boring. She’s such a square that she leaves no opportunity to have a casual frolicking in the nude scene. A terrific underutilization of Kate Beckinsale’s assets in my opinion and what I consider a major mistake by the filmmaker. Having a gratuitous nude scene would have probably earned this movie an extra star and more tickets. Getting back to Saline, she’s so serious all the time it’s hard (no pun intended) to get a rise out of such a tightly wound up chick. I guess that’s a good thing because I would have avoided a potentially uncomfortable exchange with my girlfriend. Her: “Honey why are you sporting a woody while watching this horrid movie?” Me: “Uh, never you mind that. Just go back to sleep.”

I’ll give credit where credit is due. This movie does have two good things. Kate Beckinsale and her costume. Yes, she is a hot babe and that costume does look nice but(t) alas it doesn’t carry the movie.

Lingering questions from us mortals:

  • Why is everyone so damn serious in this movie?
  • Why is it always night time in Underworld?
  • And why is it always raining in Underworld?
  • If this is Underworld why is that babe the top of that building?
  • Arrgh, what the hell is going on?