The Day After Tomorrow

xiaoxin's picture

I've been in a quirky mood of late, as just the idea of me reviewing 'The Day After Tomorrow' should suggest, but I have to say I was really looking forward to this film. I did however kinda enjoy Independance Day quite a bit, I'll admit. It has something to do with some love/obsession I had with Jeff Goldblum at the time, but all the same, I liked ID4 in all it's mind rotting destructive glory.

And let's be honest, who doesn't like watching the end of the world? It's something that many of us long for day in and day out, wishing and hoping that the Earth would just open up and swallow us all whole, because humankind is just some rancid pestulance that infects the Galaxy like so many bathroom wall, single celled vermin.

I mean, you know what I'm saying right?

Anyway, I was looking forward to the mass destruction, but as good old Roland has done for me so many times before, I felt cheated. The film should be called "The Day Before Emmerich Stops Disappointing Me" cause really, Roland, Stargate man, STARGATE was really the only other flick (than ID4) that's worth my time. I don't want to name drop disasters or anything, but that's what I went to see. But did I get it? Hmm? Hmmmmmm?!

Love the Atom Bomb, Roland, embrace it! Stop trying to stir up our fluids here!

Okay for those of you that have no clue as to what I'm talking about, #1- Go Rent Dr. Strangelove and #2 here it is in English:
Too much pseudo-plot, not enough dying.

Now the dying you get, while sparse and far between is excellent. We've got some original imagery, and tons of recognizable landmarks getting just effed all to hell. The Los Angeles sequence was top notch! Too short, but top notch, above and beyond what you get in ID4 because here's it's not aliens (who we all know aren't real and therefore pose little to no threat) but weather! The mysterious and nebulous threat that nobody knows a flying flip about, because WEATHER IS BORING! The Weather Channel likes to make you think otherwise, but unless shit is getting effed up, who cares? Speaking of the weather channel, okay did they sponser this film or what? It was like a weatherman's wet dream (see also: The Perfect Storm) Let's show everyone how CRAZY the weather can actually BE! Drive electric cars or we're all going to die!!! Ahhhhhh!

So while we're being enviro-brainwashed, we have to sit and watch Dennis Quaid, who's developing the Clint Eastwood perma-squint, try and save the world. Well not the whole world, just the nothern hemisphere. (Australia: "Suckers!") There's lots of fuzzy science being thrown around, a few political look-a-likes to drop the obligatory War on Iraq/Terror statement, and some horriblied CG'd wolves. Here's the conversation that brought the wolves into the picture:

Senile!Producer: "Roland, Guy, you know what this flick needs? Wolves. You know wolves? We really need to get some wolves in there. You know I was watching the discovery channel the other day, and wolves man, they're like ARTIC HUNTERS! Come on guy, we need the wolves. They're fresh and sharp. You know demographics is saying they're at an all time popularity high with the kiddies right?"
Emmerich: "But wir in New York, der ist no wolves..."
Producer: "There are wolves in the Bronx right?"
Emmerich: "Um, nein."
Producer: "But there's a zoo in the Bronx? Right?"**

And so the wolves stay in the picture. So maybe now, you're starting to get the gist. Throw in some poorly execute familial concern, teenage angst, oh and can't forget the kid with cancer and the DOG. Roland, kill the dog already! Kill it!!!! OLD YELLER man!!! People LIKE watching dogs die!!!!

There's you're review. Well, not so much a review, but a plea for more death!!!! If you liked 1998 Godzilla, you'll freaking orgasm over "The Day After Tomorrow". That said, atleast some people died horrible, and in the end that's what really matters, now isn't it?.

Ohh and one more thing, if you want to save the ticket price I'll tell you how it ends:


And they all lived happily ever after in Mexico.... The End.


**=This dialogue is probably not a direct result of any original thought of my own, but I've heard tell of many Tinseltown convos like this.